Come on people! The Economy sucks! Whatever. Get over it!

What is going on with you? how are you doing? what are you thinking about lately? How was your Christmas? 

I'm tired of the small talk. For serious. Talk to me. Tell me what you are thinking. how you feel about this crazy life. 

Yesterday a client of mine came in to pay a deposit on a trip. We talked for about 45 minutes about life, love, positive feelings, negative feelings, the new year, how our thoughts can change our lives, how people can, to a point, control their own destinies. It was awesome. So many people these days talk about the negative economic climate. The DEPRESSION. The RECESSION. And I am sooooo tired of it! Why is everyone so freaking scared? Perhaps if everyone acted like nothing was wrong NOTHING WOULD BE WRONG! 

It seems elementary. Maybe it is. I don't know. think about it. 

Okay, enough. Really, though. What if we weren't so scared all the time? Most of us would keep living like nothing was amiss. And those of us who lost our jobs, and maybe had to change things a bit? for the most part we still have apartments or houses, for the most parts we still have parents who care, savings accounts, or 401K's to live off of. I know, it is not the best. (and I speak for experience, not just a feeling of camaraderie.) But it is faaar better than most. Suck it up. Deal with it. Feel positive. I don't mean to sound all spiritual on your ass, but maybe some fucking positive thinking will help the grand scheme of things. And I don't mean to cuss on blogger. Lord forbid someone judges me. But this subject is serious enough to cuss about. And I am not going to even give it close to its due. I am only going to say that we all need to just keep our chins up and try to realize that we only have one life, one chance, and we should make the most of it. we are the ones living on this earth right now, and nothing is going to change that. we have it better than many living before us and many living right now. How about thanking our personal "gods" that we have it so good and stop complaining that things aren't as good as our spoiled minds imagined they could be? 

I rant. I go on and on. 

The thing is ... we are materialistic and spoiled. We could do to go without many things we are used to. Maybe this is the earth's way of saying, "Ha, ha, screwball! Take these leaves and like them!" Really, though. Come on! How many channels do we need? How many "goods" until we are happy? Maybe we should try and enjoy each other and sunsets a little bit more...

Again. I rant. I go on and on. 

This night - of books and thoughts

I  can't decide how I feel right now or what I am thinking. It is a jumbled mush of goo. It is a mixture of cosmopolitans and oatmeal cookies. There is a toothpaste taste in my mouth, and i am shivering from cold. I am all over the place, and can't decide if I should go to sleep or seek the counsel of a good friend. Problem is: can't find any good friends close enough to talk to. Sound sad? Probably is. I guess. Michael is indeed a good friend, but he is asleep, and that doesn't make for good talking. 

Things seem hazy at the moment. My apartment is hideously cold. Our water heater is still unfixed, and the temperature is a cool 59 degrees. I haven't yet donned a sweatshirt. I figure I can beat it. It is all in your head, right? A friend once told me that if i just thought warm thoughts... well, you know. 

So here i am. In the old days I would take out my trusty lined college ruled journal and go to town, but these days I use the computer for the same purpose. Different, yet with similar goals. It just hurts my hand to write in long hand. Is that because I am older, or just more practiced with the keyboard lately? Either way... I have an apple now, and the keyboard is a lot quieter, I'll tell you that. I have been told that I am a violent typer, so for that I am very grateful for the soft apple keyboard. i can type as hard as i want without making a sound. Good times. 

I have felt pent up lately. i have been reading the same book for about three weeks now, which is very unlike me, and i don't know how much that has to do with it, though I am sure it is something. It is called "Journey to the End of the Night" by Celine, and good lord is it a long time consuming read. I keep forcing myself to read it because it was recommended to me, and for some reason I feel this need to finish it. It has become this epic road for me, and i feel that i must finish, and at this point I know that if I don't finish I never will. It is in no way a bad book, and for some reason I feel that it is probably critically acclaimed, but I cannot feel for the character, and don't think I ever will. Perhaps feeling is not the way to critically acclaim books, but that is the way I read. I feel it, and I think it, and i wax dreamy about the contents. I lie awake in my bed and think about the characters' plights. With this novel... i don't lie awake at all. In fact, it puts me to sleep. I honestly can't remember the lead character's name. It's awful, I know. Terrible. And the funny thing is that I won't remember it later. I won't get anything out of the book the way I am going, yet for some crazy reason I feel like I must finish. It is a task to be sure. 

I just can't wait for my next book. I want a challenge, but a rewarding one. This one isn't going to give me satisfaction at the end. It is not like a hike to a peak where I can look down and say "no matter how many times I barfed and how many toes I lost this view is worth the entire trip." nope. I am going to put the book back on the shelf, and probably forget the majority of it. 

then why read it? because I can. So that I know deep down that I got through it just because I wanted to. Or to make the next book that much more enjoyable. 

And not all reading is completely enjoyable during the read. Some of it is tough and/or dry, but it offers something. Hopefully this will be one of those. Hopefully I am not being over critical. (Though I am sure that I am.) i have read less well written books that were a struggle to go through, but at the end I was a better person for reading them. The Rasputin File. Krakatoa. To name two off the top of my delirious head. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. The last day of my four day weekend. Much of the weekend has been spent waiting on word about the water heater, and I have tried to be positive about the entire thing. It has been much better today, especially since watching Kite Runner yesterday. That helped. 

I hope for a positive day tomorrow. I hope to be in a good mood. I want to keep trying to see life with good eyes - keep appreciating the leaves and golden light and laughter. I'll keep trying. I will finish my book, and no matter what the outcome I'll be happy that I love to read and will look forward to the next one. 

Maybe someone out there will talk to me about books. We'll see. I know there are tons of people out there who still love to read. I know it. Where they are... Different story. All I can hope is that we are not too old to make friends. We can't be. Life is so short, and sometimes very empty. Or it can seem to be. We need to hold on to each other. Sometimes there seems to be so little to hold on to. 

The Kite Runner - and the day that happened before watching it

It was an unusual day. I have been slightly suffering from an annoying cold. It is the kind of cold that just affects my head and makes it feel pressurized. The kind of cold where I can function completely, but I have to excuse myself to blow my nose every five minutes. And it was the day after Christmas - always an odd feeling day in and of itself. Our water heater mysteriously stopped working sometime between Christmas Eve afternoon and night, so we didn't have any hot water for showers, and no heater because it is connected to our hot water heater. So, our apartment is a nice 60 degrees with hardwood floors. 

We dealt with the maintenance people all day long trying to resolve this issue, and were quite frustrated from it. It is a long and now boring story, so I'll just give the main points. We tried to contact maintenance, could not get through, were told not to worry, to enjoy our day, and it would be fixed. We were also told we would be updated. All day. No calls, no updates, we come home to a 60 degree house with out a note. Nothing. (And there is more, but again, this is not a rant blog, so I will stop here.) 

We were both tired of complaining. Tired of feeling so upset on our Friday night. Tired of regretting our move to this complex. So we decided to watch Kite Runner. As soon as we popped the movie in our entire mood was altered. 

Watching two young boys happily running around Kabul chasing kites altered our mind set. They were so happy, so care free. I immediately feel in love with their youth. The way they easily threw their arms around each other. The way Amir read to Hassan. (I also felt trepidation from the knowledge of what was to come. I read the book last year.) 

How can you feel badly about an inconvenience while knowing that a country is immersed in a struggle with tyranny? 

I hated Amir. Hated him with every fiber of my being. He was a despicable boy, as hated as Hassan is loved. And yet, even though his behavior is inexcusable, I understood where it came from while watching the movie. (And reading the book a while back.) 

This movie moved me as the book did before it. The movie was close to the book, and that is a rarity. I was moved by the children at the beginning. The boy who played Hassan was wonderful, and my heart broke during the course of his life. The odd thing was... I found myself crying less with sadness and more with this wonder - can people exist who are that good? that giving and forgiving? I don't even think he thought of it as forgiving. It was just his nature to treat the ones he loved in such a manner. It was like he knew the inside of a person so well that nothing they could do could alter that in the slightest. He just radiated goodness. And it moved me completely. I hope we can exist like that. That we can at least try to be pure in our centers. 

Maybe the reason I hated Amir so much is that it reminded me of a common human weakness. Jealously, peer pressure, need to please. It is all there in Amir, and I see it in all of us. We all have these moments, they are more muted, perhaps, in our daily lives. But they are there. 

Afghanistan is a beautiful country with beautiful people. I love seeing that on screen. There is one scene with a man who runs an orphanage that is incredibly moving. He spends his life trying to protect these poor children, and he doesn't have to. He could leave, and most people would think he is crazy not to. But he stays and protects even while certain choices tear him from the inside. 

Kite Runner is a wonderful story for the simple way that it weaves a single family's life through such a tumultuous time. It paints a picture of good and bad and blends the line between the two so that we understand how similar we all are without it pounding the idea into our heads. 

I think as a people it is important for us to understand that we are all the same. We need to reach out to each other instead of fearing our differences. It is so basic, yet so difficult for us to understand. It is as simple as listening to an old man's story in a bar. As easy as trying a new restaurant. Visiting a new city. It is as simple as patience. 

I want to try patience. Sometimes I become annoyed because people don't run through their days the same as me. And maybe if i just remember that below the daily routines that differ among our cultures we all long for our warm homes and the people who love us. We all crave our mom's cooking, and wish for peace and happiness. We need to remember that. I need to remember that every day. And I will try. 

Insurance Companies

I've just found out that i don't fit the profile for a so-called normal plan with any of the big insurance companies. Because of some of my so-called ratios I would be considered High Risk, and therefor would either be declined, or my monthly payments would be disgustingly high. Not only that, but not everything would be covered because the insurance company couldn't bring themselves to cover someone with my "ratios." They will not do a physical or health test, they will not check my medical records to see if i have had any health concerns in recent years, they merely received an answer on a standardized questionnaire and deemed me unfit to cover.

Health insurance in this country is a crock of shit.

Here's the deal: I was taken care of better when I had nothing. When I was about 22 I had to have my wisdom teeth pulled in a major way, so I went to Highland in Oakland. I was probably making about 15,000 dollars a year. They charged me $5 for the entire operation, and the staff was amazing. It took me all day, but it was totally worth it, and it went really well.

Then when I had to get contraception I went to Planned Parenthood. Again, I waited for an appointment, and I waited in the office, but it was so worth it! They were so nice and helpful, and made me feel like a valued person. I only had to pay donations, which I very willingly did. They gave me a year's supply, and asked that I come back for a check up after the year was up and talk to them. They also scheduled a follow up visit for a few months later to make sure the pills were working.

And then I got health insurance. I was so happy! I finally had coverage and I could go to the doctor without worrying, and maybe even without waiting for months for an appointment. And then every time i went in for any kind of appointment they asked me what was wrong, tried to get me out as quickly as possible, and shoved vicadon and muscle relaxers down my throat for any kind of irritation. They kept asking for my information even though I had a card with my name on it stating my membership. They couldn't find me on the list for the first six months of my membership, and I had to go to the administration office several times begging for them to straighten it all out.

I still had to wait for appointments. I still had to wait for a long time in the office, only this time they didn't seem as happy to see me when I eventually went into the exam room. I had to pay money up front on top of my monthly payments, and when I got my pills finally they only gave me three months at a time stating it was the way things were done, and i would have to just keep refilling until my yearly check up. Okay, I guess I can do that. Except my yearly check up never came. They stated healthy women should only have to see their female doctor once every two years. And then it was three.

And then I switched providers and i was so happy. I wouldn't have to go into a huge room with tons of sick people because of a headache or back injury. I could actually be treated as a person instead of a number on a card. Only i still had to wait for a long time, and they still asked for money up front as well as the per monthly payments. then they started sending me bills on top of that for things that I didn't know weren't covered. I stopped going to the doctors for wellness visits because I couldn't afford it, but on TV all i could see was health care providers urging people to come to see their doctors for wellness visits. Keep healthy, they said, stay on top of your life and body before something happens to it! And what a great idea! Isn't it cheaper for all of us to spend a little time, energy, and money on our health now instead of a hospital visit down the road? One would think, but most insurance providers don't always cover wellness.

And then I don't have insurance. And I am not so happy. I am a bit older now, and I worry about something happening that would cause bankruptcy. I worry that that one time something happened we would lose everything and have to start all over building our life that we have worked so diligently on. What if one of us got in an accident and had to spend a week in the hospital? Big what if, right? I know... but if it did happen we would basically be out of an apartment. We'd be moving in with parents.

So I am looking for insurance providers for that reason. Peace of mind. Just in case. Make me sleep better at night. And then I find out that the most affordable plans, still $200 a month, don't cover any wellness. Okay, no wellness. (Seems that would be cheaper, but okay.) Then I find out they don't cover birth control. Well, okay. Seems that birth control would be cheaper than an emergency cesarean section, but okay. Then I find out that even though I am super healthy, my ratios don't match their profile, and it would cost me probably $450 a month for "just in case" and even that wouldn't cover some emergencies. Also: when there is an emergency that $450 a month only covers 40% of your bill. Where does the rest of the money go?

I want to know who is getting rich off this bull shit. I want to know how this was structured and why it is so horrible. Why is it that most of us suffer just to be healthy? Why is it that the insurance is structured for accidents and illness instead of focusing on keeping us healthy so we don't need damage control?

Why are we focused on pills and medicines?

Why are so many people diabetic?

Why can't we get our act together? It is possible. Good insurance exists. Or at least better.

To Music

The last couple lines of your poem reminded me of one of my all time favorite poems by Rainer Maria Rilke.

***********

To Music





Music: breathing of statues. Perhaps:


silence of paintings. You language


where all language ends. You time


standing vertically on the motion of motal hearts.


Feelings for whom? O you the transformation


of feelings into what? --: into audible landscape.


You stranger: music. You heart-space


grown out of us. The deepest space in us,


which, rising above us, forces its way out,


--holy departure:when the innermost point in us stands


outside, as the most practiced distance,


as the otherside of the air:


pure,boundless,no longer habitable.
******************************************

Why does one write poetry? Question for the ages. Why does one think at all? Is philosiphizing a waste of time? Is just living enough? Or must we always question? So much so much.

hope you like this poem. I love his poetry.... hope you do too. I'll send something of my own soon, and talk about yours... which i liked very much.

love love and love

March 26, 2002

a sudden realization
no longer in hibernation.
fascination of creation
I live in this world,
full of emotions; often i am overwhelmed,
at times scared, uncertain,
yet i know of impermanence but
my soul is forever.
my being, the positive and negative will
live in another form...earth, rich soil.
I see the uncertainty, hopefully.
capabilities of the heart, love,
a dove flys freely in the morning sky
do not allow this to pass you by-

I see you in me and I wish we could love unconditionally,
is that possible?
is this love, or just a game with Russian rullet probabilities?
I admit I have played with the revolver but I am tired of spinning in circles, tired of the crazy game...yet, I too admit I do not always act in a way which would please my loquacious conscious...and why?
solely for pleasure, which then becomes fragmented into pain, ache of the heart, leaving me to guestion love!

you write poetry.
do you enjoy philosophy?
can peace exist without wars and
love without hatred? why?
do you enjoy the beauty of a sun rising
in the east above the blue ridge mountains?
and to see a sun setting off in the west?
you write poetry.
is it a message from the soul?
is it timeless?
do the words/phrases/sentences/stanzas create
pictures in your head of places you have never seen?
you write poetry
why?
are you able to express emotions without fear of...unknown?
are you curious about love, life, and your own happiness;
creating happiness for others to experience,
giving love of life, a life to love for all.
you write poetry.
it is in music
poetry exists in language
poetry is honesty