City of Thieves and other thoughts

First of all, yeah I know it says "search inside." i know this.

Secondly, I feel that I have to mention that my computer space at home is not ergonomically correct. (at work not so much either, but definitely better than home.) So I have my keyboard... And no place to rest my wrists. Should one rest one's wrists? I do not know. All i know is that it is not very comfortable. I do have an actual desk which is a step up from before. But there is some truth to be told for ergonomical spaces. Seriously. Especially if you are spending any amount of time at the computer.

I digress....

The book - So far is wonderful. And I don't just say that. I enjoy many books. I read every day, but this book so far is truly enjoyable. The thing is - the book is about a boy's struggle with the war in Russia and the Germans' attack on his country. But somehow, no matter how obvious the war is, one gets the impression that it is about life's struggles no matter the country. It is about living without and being disappointed, and being repressed. (Obviously, there is SO much more to this story, but Read On.) The way Benioff writes it the story comes out as a vision of the way life unfolds... about the desires of a human no matter the circumstance.

And I love that. I love when I can feel a pinch of understanding no matter how far removed I am from a topic. Because we are all here and all alive, and we need to understand that above all else. We go through FAR different trials, but we need to reach out to each other, because this is but a small life.

I can't imagine living through a war on our own home land. It is incredibly foreign to me. Would we be desensitised through history, movies, and TV? Or would we be desensitized through the actual books of war? Through our actual people coming back and telling us in person how it was? Either way, I know it couldn't compare with us being there, and in that respect i would imagine that there is a mind numbing nauseous period where the war ceases to be a far away concept and instead infringes upon our every ability to function in a normal way.

How could being early to work possibly matter if every night we heard bombs going off over the city? Really? How have people, and do people, exist when the very essence of their life was threatened on a daily basis? I don't even believe in god, how can I continue to exist while that was going on? My thread to humanity is worn enough....

And I come back to the book. And books like it. And better than it. And not as good as it. And stories like it from storytellers from around the world who come back from any kind of war and tell us what it is like. We need to hear this. We need to be shocked and yet still feel connected. So we try not to repeat it. Or in America's position - don't want to repeat it, even though our government has decided that it is necessary. And we are here. And we should try and understand that people are dying.

Are we helping over there? Can you tell me? because everything in me says that we cannot be. It is not logical. If I felt that we were helping I would be for it. Honestly. I mean, concentration camps were something worth stopping. Slavery in all forms is worth stopping. Killing is worth stopping. . . Do the people in power think they are doing that? Stopping "Evil?" They say they are. Do they really?

How is evil fought with evil? If we have that much money to spend on fighting can't we build schools and real farms to help people help themselves to fight the government? I mean... Can't a billion dollars buy a lot of schools and farms and solar power? Really? Can't we teach agriculture and sustainability to help out as opposed to dropping grains once a month? And in the long run it would save us money hand over fist, and we would probably have a country cousin in the distance that would say, "Hey! Thanks for the help!"

Just a thought. I know it sounds crazy... But isn't niceness followed by niceness most of the time? If not always, majority rule would label that one person as a spoil sport and if the majority TRULY acts together a spoil sport will learn fast. (And I mean TRULY act together. Not let's wait five years and then help out our buddies against an asshole.)

Food for thought. And I am thinking. And that is good.

Later - 

I finished the book. And throughout the sadness and desperation was a simple hope. It kind of masked the cruelty. I don't know how. Am I desensitized? I don't even know anymore. Maybe I sensed the narrator's desensitized nature. He dealt with repulsive sights and unbelievable character, yet he pushed on. Would we be able to do that? Will we have to? 

Lev marched through the scenes in a book detached from the world around him. He mentioned the details, and mentioned the nausea, but I didn't feel it like i normally would hearing about the depravity of human character. Is that because he was detached, or because as a reader I knew that he would make it out of it? All I know is that I followed his character and related to him. He felt "normal" human emotions under extreme circumstances, and I understand that. And he performed in ways that would be incomprehensible under normal circumstances. 

And I keep wondering how I would be. Right now I feel wholly detached from the world around me. Honestly, i can't tell if that is good or bad. Whenever I really think about what is going on it is upsetting, but i never learn enough about it to care in the deepest ways. I think it i because I am scared of the outcome. I know that nothing great can last forever. I don't necessarily mean my way of life... The world has a way of going on for a while in uninterrupted ignorance or glee. But I mean that I feel like we are precariously perched on the edge of explosion. on the lip of a volcanic eruption if you will. And I'm not ready for it. 

Maybe the idea of war itself makes me feel this way. The things that have happened in this world unhinge me. I can't comprehend it. And the idea that it went on and is going on makes me realize that one day it will make its way into my life. And that scares the shit out of me. Each day I make an effort not to watch the news and hear about the politics of it all because the only thing I can do is hang on. 

And maybe i am being a whole lot melodramatic. I understand that. But on a smaller scale the talk of politics and the way people misunderstand each other makes me crazy. I can't take it. I don't enjoy feeling angry, misunderstood, or hearing about others being the victims of ignorance. Life is too damn short. I'm trying to hang on here. 

And yet... and yet... life is too short not to fight for it. 

And yet, and yet. It is all about others, isn't it. Never about us. Perhaps that is the mind that needs to change. It is just all so overwhelming.