I know there are countless numbers, oogles (ogles) of men, women, and children out there who have undoubtedly experienced a trillion times the heartache i feel this day! Ahhh, but I am hurting mentally, and spiritually, causing the physical to hurt as well. I am not so far down in the doldrums where I feel there is no hope of sunny, sunshiny days. I have met "shiny happpy people." I laughed so hard Saturday afternoon making crafts with my friend Amy, that my sides hurt. I went out this morning to the woods, breathed the cool air, felt the rain on my face in almost complete solitude. Sunday morning I hitched up Mic and Rusty in the back of pops red F150, and headed to the battlefield where i feel so connected. I walked the trails saw several adventure scouts and their families, I could smelll the scent of the fires being estinqguised. On the way home I stopped at a gas station for some tobacco, Mic and Rusty in tow, was listening to roots reggae (my ultimate favorite) met some man headed to Compton (Southern California) who began to "juug" with me saying, "You don't know anything about this (music)," I responded a lil' sarcastically, "Yeah I don't know anything about a universal message, the way music makes me feel...!" He laughed and his laughter was filled with soulfullness, his eyes with thanks.
Saturday Seth and I met Kavi (his daddy) at the East Lake Park. There were twin five year olds playing on the playground reccommended for kids seven and above, of course Seth plays on this side of the park too. The brothers were there together. They spoke no english (I never heard an english word) but only spoke spanish to each other. We had a great time together. One of the brothers let me wipe his lil' bloody nose...twice. They lauged as I climbed up the slide and down the "tubular, covered slide" repeating the colors in spanish and english as I went down. I missed a color and one of the twins pointed up high to the blue tube, oh yes i said, "blue, azul." I asked them to repeat, they weren't to interested, oh well! Seth shared his pistachios, raisins, mango, pineapple, papaya, sunny bears and his juice drink! Oh I prayed those boys wern't allergic to nuts. I asked them incorporating spanish/english/and some hand/voice language, the little boys smiled and continued to eat.
I have food to eat (I am able to eat), water to drink (I can swallow liquids), a roof over my head (occasional mice in the walls, scampering about in the kitchen, eeek-a mouse), love from my family, support, a beautiful son, a car to drive, gas in the tank....maybe their are no "diamonds on the souls of my shoes," but i do give thanks for the many blessings in my life. even as lonley as feel during the night time (that is when it is the worst right now) without my son Ras Ariel Yohaness Dickerson-Broadous. I have hope i won't continue to have this oh so lonely feeling, at least not as bad as i felt this day, things will get better!
1 comment:
Donielle, you have so much thoughtfulness. you experience things so fully that it only makes sense that your pain would be experienced intensely, as well. i guess we all know that we couldn't have those amazing moments of rain, sunshine, and laughter without the pain. but it doesn't make it hurt any less. in fact, it makes the pain more acute. more deep. and leaves you with more longing. and i know you are thankful for the good things in life. you always have been. and I am so sorry for all the pain. i wish i could be there to make you laugh until your sides hurt. i love to do that, you know.
im inspired by you. i don't know if i have ever told you that. i am inspired by your eagerness to see the beauty in the world around you. i am inspired by your constant search for the good in everyone around you. with you it is not really a search, though. you just see the good first. maybe if more people could be like you the world would be nicer to share. smile first. That's the way you have always been.
im glad you are out there with the rain on your face. i'm glad that you are still immersing yourself in the wonders of the outdoors... it will get a little easier every day. and the good feelings will happen a little more.
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